I’ve written fifteen of these? Yikes.
Last time: I felt so bad about not liking Ramirez that I had an all-Connery week on the blog.
15. The Loch ????? Monster
Ramirez starts Connor’s training in the most picturesque way possible, with a scenic boat ride. It’s probably not that picturesque for our hero, who is being made to balance on the sides of the boat while holding an oar. Connor complains about…everything, really, and calls Ramirez a haggis. (He’s clearly not. Haggis is tasty. And quiet.)
They bicker some more, during which we learn 1) the composition and chief use of haggis; 2) Ramirez is Egyptian; 3) Connor can’t swim.
Ramirez addresses the first and last points by rocking the boat until Connor falls off, but not before what may be his best line: “You have the manners of a goat, and you smell like a dung-heap, and you have no knowledge whatsoever of your potential.” Note that down, gentle viewer; it’s the first indication we get that Connor might be special, even for an immortal.
Connor flails and screams for help. “You can’t drown, you fool!” yells Ramirez. “You’re immortal!” The Highlander sinks to the bottom and realizes that there might be something to that after all.
This is perhaps my favorite part of the entire “Ramirez trains Connor” sequence, for two reasons. One is that once he realizes he’s not drowning, Connor genuinely appears to be enjoying himself in the murky water. Second, me being me, is that now I’m busy imagining a secret society of underwater immortals just hanging out somewhere and giving the whole duel-to-the-death thing a miss. If you made that into a miniseries (Wetlanders? Who Wants To Swim Forever? A River Runs Over It?), I’d watch the heck out of it.
While I’m envisioning SeaQuest: Really Low-Tech Edition, Ramirez has made a nice fire by the water’s edge. Connor emerges like the Creature From the Probably Really Cold Lagoon and tries to whack his tormentor with his sword. Ramirez is way ahead of him—by which I mean already behind him—and disarms him easily.
Connor stands there, fish falling out of his kilt, and slowly comes to terms with his lot as an immortal. “I hate you,” he tells Ramirez, who replies, “Good! That is a perfect way to start.” He’s going to teach Connor the art of swordsmanship—and only five years after he really, really needed it.
Next time: It won’t be Disney, that I promise.
Next time on TCBOM!: The Katana Kid.
