Thirty posts—thirty WEEKS—and the end just barely in sight. The mind boggles.
Last time: Research. Pretty eyes. Brenda finds out what the movie is about, more or less.
30. Connor goes to church, and I seize my last chance to get splendidly bogged down in this thing (need I even say “part 1”?).
Unlike most of this movie, this section has been excerpted on YouTube:
Personally, I disagree with the title they’ve given it—to me, that would be a tie between the final fight and Ramirez! Stops! Talking!—but opinions no doubt vary.
Connor goes to a church to light a candle on Heather’s birthday, as she asked him to do while I was yelling about how much I hate what the movie does to Heather—and despite my suspicion that birthdays weren’t really a “thing” for normal people in the 16th century. Consistent penmanship and posthumous birthday parties: that’s our hero.
He lights the candle, says a little prayer, and sits down in the church: ostensibly to pray, probably to mope. He’s followed in short order by the Kurgan—who snuffs out all the votives, because, I guess, that’s the kind of guy he is. Half the people in the cathedral look up and rapidly conclude this is not the kind of miracle they were hoping for.
I suspect this thing with the candles happens in part to communicate the Kurgan’s continuing slide into madness, which has been going on since Wackjob’s act of Quickenus interruptus. It’s as if the writers, suddenly concerned that their hero is outmatched (at least in theory: the Kurgan still hasn’t killed a single non-combatant in the whole movie—and every time I type that, I get a little chip in my flinty black heart), are trying to handicap the final duel. As someone who was only a moderate Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan but remains very, very, very bitter about Glory, I appreciate this in theory, but there has to be a better way to go about it.
“Kastagir is gone,” the Kurgan tells Connor. “Only you and I remain.” It isn’t until Connor turns around that we see the Kurgan’s new hairdo, which is that he hasn’t really got any. He’s also decorated the scar Ramirez gave his throat with a ring of safety pins. Very punk.
Honestly, I find the whole safety-pin thing odd, because 1) that would take what I find myself forced to describe as some primping time, but 2) it could be another sign that he’s quite smart, as he’s rightly figured this ornamentation will indicate absolutely jack-all to the police.
“Who cuts your hair?” Connor snarks, because his facility with insults is at the same level as his ability to flirt with women. The Kurgan makes a grandiloquent gesture and says, “I am in disguise.”
It’s a line I’ve always loved—unfortunately, I think I loved it even before Highlander was made:
Well, that’s a bit of a buzzkill.
Next time: Would you believe the other other damn vampires?
Next time on TCBOM!: Has anybody seen my dignity?