Last time: The saddest anyone has ever been at the farmers’ market.
18. Finally! Part 1
Connor is gone—though I can’t figure out where. Do blacksmiths go on business trips?
Ramirez is having supper with Heather in the tower of Why Is There A Tower. He tells some sort of swashbuckling anecdote about an assignation gone wrong (also known as the part of the movie where I start muttering about who is and is not Errol @#!&ing Flynn). Heather laughs and pours more wine from what looks a lot like a present-day pinot noir bottle.
Ramirez’s immortal sense suddenly goes off, a few seconds before the birds notice a disturbance in the air and fly up: remember that when Connor can’t seem to notice anything more than 20 feet away. He tells Heather to escape, but it’s too late: the Kurgan bursts through the door—literally—and his eyes light up with unholy glee when he sees Ramirez.
As you might imagine, this is one of my favorite parts of the movie. Someone is going to make Ramirez stop talking!
Er, also, the Kurgan continues to look good. He’s down one sleeve (and, sadly, one magnificent skull helmet), though, and I can’t help wondering why. In fact, I wondered it on the phone for about two hours last summer, which inspired me to write There Can Be Only Monday! in the first place.
It frees up his sword arm, but you’d think someone as old as the Kurgan would’ve figured out details like that before now. That, coupled with the fact that it took him five years to find Connor’s house when the Highlander never left Scotland, raises the question of what he’s been doing all this time.
My top 5 explanations:
- It took that long to find a bookie who would take payment in armor, and dude has no idea how to handicap Shetland ponies beyond the literally and cruelly obvious.
- He melted the sleeve down to make action figures so he could relax Dark-Helmet style. Yes, for 5 years. Being the strongest of the immortals is totally exhausting.
- Looking for/fighting/learning to ride the Loch Ness monster. (Note: not only would I watch this movie, I would invest in it.)
- Sold it for bagpipe-making supplies so he can also terrify people outside Scotland.
- Weather was so awful he got his tongue stuck to his own sleeve for 5 years. (What? it’s not like he has to eat.)
At any rate.
“The Highlander! Where is he?” barks the Kurgan, presumably thinking That’s weird: do blacksmiths go on business trips?
Ramirez says, “It’s too late; I’ve prepared him for you!” in full High Drama mode, so naturally the Kurgan has no choice but to chop a table in half with his sword. The fight is on…which is more than we can say for the wine bottle.
Next time: Good question!
Next time on TCBOM!: Sweet mother of mercy, I think I’ll be stretching this scene out over three blog posts. Is this where the whippersnappers put “#sorrynotsorry”?
