Last time: Did I mention Ramirez died? Out here in what passes for the real world, I may also have purchased one of these.
Back in the 20th century, Connor emerges from his Fortress of Mope-itude to find Brenda in his antique shop, arguing with the well-dressed woman at the front desk.
This would be Rachel, Connor’s former ward and current friend and employee—and my favorite mortal character in the movie. Rachel is beautiful, seems quite smart and levelheaded, and clearly adores Connor, which helps with those stretches of movie where it’s easy to forget he’s the protagonist. If you do not like Rachel, you should seek medical help, because your heart has probably been replaced with days-old Kraft Singles.
Brenda and Connor spar in their hamfisted fashion: she asks about the Kurgan, then about the sword she’s looking for, and he plays very dumb, steering her toward a display case of silver. (For some reason, antique silver bores the ever-loving…you know… out of me, the art-history geek, so this part seems more aggressive to me than it’s meant to be.)
“Do you cook?” he asks Brenda. “I thought we might have dinner.” Ladies and gentlemen, a man who has had four hundred years to learn how to chat up women! Rachel overhears all this and smiles encouragingly. Brenda will make the date, of course: she’s after a sword.
You know what I mean.
Meanwhile, the cops are talking, and one of them saw Brenda at the antique shop. Uh-oh.
Back to Connor and to Rachel, who is straightening Connor’s tie and trying to do damage control, asking what she should say when people ask about him. “Tell them I’m immortal,” he deadpans, and we segue into a WWII flashback in which Connor saves little Rachel from the Nazis. I’ve heard this part might not have been in the theatrical release, and if so it’s a shame: it’s got lots of action, the outfit and hair are a great look for Christopher Lambert—no Columbo cosplay, no filthy kilt—and Connor gets to save a kid and shoot a Nazi!
This is great! But it’s so good I find myself wondering if modern-day Connor has a vitamin deficiency or something. There’s so much more energy.
Back in the present, Rachel tries to get Connor to admit he has feelings for Brenda, and Connor acts like a cross between a world-weary soul and a kid getting interrogated about his first crush.
“You’re such a romantic, Rachel,” he tells her, then kisses her on the cheek and takes off for his date. He should’ve gone back to his 1940s hairdo first.
Next time: Another thing that scared me as a child for Found-Again Friday.
Next time on TCBOM!: The date goes about as well as can be expected, and OH GOD RAMIREZ VOICEOVER.