Found-Again Friday: Legend

Can we start a new rule that watching movies with lots of fire will melt actual snow?

Why Found-Again? Here are the things I remembered about Legend before rewatch:

  • Tim Curry as the devil (yes, technically he is “Darkness,” but if you go around with red skin and giant horns and evil schemes, these little mistakes of identity are bound to occur);
  • Unicorn maiming!;
  • Still less frightening than The Dark Crystal.

I’m not so sure about that last part anymore.

The Premise:  Mischievous (read: a jerk) princess Lili (Mia Sara) spends all her free time with half-feral forest boy Jack (Tom Cruise). When a unicorn viewing goes horribly awry and allows goblins to kill one of the beasts, winter falls upon the land, and a separated Jack and Lili try to undo the damage she caused. Jack joins in with a mob of capricious faeries, while Lili is captured and slated to become the bride of Darkness.

I sometimes wonder if I’ve become more susceptible to background music as I get older, because I was keyed up through most of Legend in a way I didn’t remember from my youth, even knowing what was going to happen. (It’s doubly odd because I could have sworn the unicorn maiming was more graphic than we actually see here; if anything, I had less to worry about.) I also didn’t remember Lili being as irritating as she proved to be, which improved the story; her temptation by Darkness, perhaps the most famous part of the film, isn’t the attack on an innocent girl I recalled so much as a logical attempt to play on Lili’s character flaws.

The movie is certainly heavy-handed in some respects, but the only real weak point in my re-viewing was the final fight…though the swordplay seems like a good, solid background for building an interest in Highlander later on. Even the music is different in those scenes, as if Jerry Goldsmith had stepped out for coffee and John Williams started doodling on his paper, and I found myself looking around for Indiana Jones when I should have been watching evil get defeated.

Legend was the first role I ever saw Tim Curry in, and I managed to become a fan without knowing what he actually looked like for a good two years. As attractive as the unicorns and candy-colored forests are, his Darkness makes the movie…and, disturbingly, no small amount of sense sometimes. In the ’80s, the parochial-school kid in me thought of him only as the devil, but the performance never lets you forget Darkness’s bullish aspect—even in the final fight, his neck is pierced with arrows like picadors’ lances.

Random Notes:

  • We have a credit at the end for “Unicorn Master”; I wonder if that’s higher, professionally speaking, than the Unicorn Wrangler for Cast A Deadly Spell. At any rate, it’s something that would never leave my resume, even if I were interviewing to become a bank president.
  • Was there any “fancy” little girl who didn’t dream of owning Lili’s evil dress?
  • It never occurred to me to make comparisons between this and The Last Unicorn, one of my favorite movies, before now—possibly 12-year-old me wasn’t prepared for a story where The Red Bull struts and talks (and the bull and Prince Lir are the same guy…and Haggard is a fireplace… Hm. Maybe I’m still not ready).
  • While this was one of my earliest encounters with the idea that faeries aren’t all Tinkerbell and flower costumes, there was also this, one of the most feared objects of my childhood:
From The Golden Book of Poetry: illustration by Gertrude Elliott for the poem "Little Orphant Annie"
From The Golden Book of Poetry: illustration by (the unintentionally terrifying) Gertrude Elliott for the poem “Little Orphant Annie”

The Verdict: Still a nice, solid fantasy film, even though the end wobbles far more than I’d remembered. It’s a movie that doesn’t seem to want to end, and maybe that’s why director Ridley Scott seems to understand Lili’s fascination with pretty things so well.

(It may also be time to admit that I’m into guys who wear a little chain mail. There. I said it.)

Might go well with: Mead; Robert Holdstock’s Mythago Wood books, which are myths and lore with the pastel stuff brushed off; and Cold Comfort Farm, since I spent the first three minutes of the movie thinking of Lili as Elfine.

The Quest For Monday! Part 14: “Always Believe In Your Soul”

(Episode: “The Riddle of the Gold”)

Synopsis: Supervillain Dr. Zin wants to disrupt the world’s gold markets. This involves murder, a kidnapped scientist who can do quasi-alchemy, a henchman disguised as a maharajah, and some extremely irate big cats. I don’t think Zin has an efficiency expert on staff.

Tip 14: There’s nothing wrong with mixing cutting-edge and old-school interests.

Case in point: Dr. Zin, international supervillain. His current interest is the age-old alchemical pursuit of turning non-gold things into gold—well, gold enough to fool people—even though he’s a very early adopter of this sweet video-phone system.

"I call it...VisageTime."
“It’s known as…VisageTime.”

But isn’t it always the way? No matter how hipsterishly obscure your hobby may be, someone you can’t stand is also into it:

BQALCHEMYREALLY1

Author's note: this is where I tried for several minutes to make a "phlogiston...before it was cool" joke.
Author’s note: this is where I tried for several minutes to make a “phlogiston…before it was cool” joke. You’re welcome.

It’s okay to feel possessive of your interests: it’s less okay to, say,  kill people with a poisoned needle about it.

 

Next time: If you thought Ginger Snaps was scary, I give you Tom Cruise in a funny little outfit.

Next time on TQfM!: A tiger!

Found-Again Friday: Picket Fences Season 1

Why Found-Again? I remember loving this show during its original run, but now that I look it up, I can’t figure out how I even managed to watch Picket Fences; I was in college at the time, and TV reception in the dorm was frequently abysmal.* (The exception was Fox, which is how I watched The X-Files.) I must have liked the show even more than I thought.

The Premise (“What Have We Here?” Version): Imagine if Northern Exposure eloped to the mainland US to marry Law & Order, and they compromised by living in Wisconsin.

The Premise (Official Plot Version): Picket Fences centers on the smallish town of Rome, WI, and especially on the Brock family. Father Jimmy (Tom Skerritt) is the sheriff at a time when Rome happens to be fielding some extremely weird crimes; his wife Jill (Kathy Baker) is the town doctor.

This face is merited at least once an episode.
This face is merited at least once an episode.
Behold, the woman who helped make Mr. Frost worth rewatching.
Behold, the woman who helped make Mister Frost worth (re)watching.

Though the whole town is an endless source of intrigue, much of the action centers around Sheriff Brock’s police station, where deputies Kenny and Maxine (Costas Mandylor and Lauren Holly) are always on the job—and, if memory serves, occasionally each other. And if you wondered what Holly Marie Combs got up to before Charmed, she plays the oldest Brock child here.

I have, however, saved my favorite for last. I’d forgotten until I saw Fyvush Finkel’s cheery face how much I love the character of Douglas Wambaugh, the lawyer who might as well be a Weeble the way he pops back up after getting smacked down in court. Wambaugh is relentless and never at a loss for words, and he is my hero.

He's also running for mayor in season 1, which is probably only one reason that guy would have a poster of himself. My hero.
He’s also running for mayor in season 1, which is probably only one reason that guy would have a poster of himself.

The Verdict: I’ll be honest: I didn’t expect this show to have aged well, and parts of it haven’t. But I still love Picket Fences and all Rome’s townspeople. It’s been a long time since I saw a show full of “quirky” characters who nevertheless feel real; maybe it’s an art we’ve lost, or maybe it’s the result of my being without cable for ten years. The latter seems likely.

Might go well with: All kinds of cheese, for all kinds of reasons.

 

*Previous generations told of walking to school in the snow; lying on my dorm bed and looking almost straight up at the TV on top of the wardrobe—the only way I could get Animaniacs to come in clearlysomehow doesn’t have the same ring of hardship, but will definitely hurt your neck.

 

The Quest For Monday! Part 13: Not Exactly Role Models This Week

(Episode: “Pursuit of the Po-Ho”)

Synopsis: A scientist friend of Dr. Quest is kidnapped by credulous Amazon tribespeople who wish to sacrifice him. Dr. Quest ends up captured too, and it’s up to Race Bannon to do the silliest thing he can in this vaguely racist cartoon in order to save everyone.

Sometimes there comes a time for drastic action: when the chips are down, the odds are long, and the tribesmen want to put a couple of scientists into a pit for ill-explained reasons. In other words:

Tip 13: When the going gets tough…

...Then whatever you do, don't strip off and jump into the leech- and germ-infested waters of the Amazon. That would be silly.
…Then whatever you do, don’t strip off and jump into the leech- and germ-infested waters of the Amazon. That would be silly.

Sometimes you just have to learn from bad examples rather than good ones, campers.

The less said about this particular bad example, the better.
The less said about this particular bad example, the better.

Still, it rescued the scientists. New episode next Monday!

Found-Again Friday: Musical Interlude 9

Let’s ease into the cold weather with songs that may cause car-dancing, violent lip-syncing and dramatic gestures!

This is not only a great song, but it’s the only time I ever felt good about the haircut I had when it came out. Admittedly, Patty Smyth wears it better than a nerdy 10-year-old.

My current favorite car-dancing track:

I blame any affection I have for this video on a parochial-school education:

Just try keeping your feet still:

And what I strongly suspect is my future favorite car-dancing track:

 

Enjoy!

Apropos of Nothing: A List of Titles, Should There Ever Be A Biography Of Me

…And Five Hours Later, Her Hair Was Still Wet

Needs More Hot Sauce: The J.A. Story

[age] Years of Not Beating People To Death With a Dictionary (While Making Them Feel As If I Did)

Reading While Walking

Gourmet Cold Cuts, Wine, and Highlander: The Gentle Art of Leisure Time

Cold Hairball Underfoot: The Perils of Getting Out of Bed While Owning Pets

I Love the Buckaroo Banzai Movie More Than You Love Some of Your Relatives

A Lighter Shade of Noir

Writing Mysteries For Fun Profit Personal Satisfaction Some Damn Reason

There should also be one about barbecue, but I've got nothin'.
There should also be one about barbecue, but I’ve got nothin’.

 

 

 

The Quest For Monday Resumes! Part 12

(Episode: “Pursuit of the Po-Ho”)

Synopsis: A scientist friend of Dr. Quest is kidnapped by credulous Amazon tribespeople who wish to sacrifice him. Dr. Quest ends up captured too, and it’s up to Race Bannon to do the silliest thing he can in this vaguely racist cartoon in order to save everyone.

Tip 12: Try not to overlook the obvious.

Sorry to leave you all stranded in the jungle with the hordes of generic monkeys. I trust you got through the holidays, even if it may have taken a little work with a machete.

Now that we’re all back at base camp,  let’s kick off the new year with one of the most basic lessons of all.

BQPoHoNoNo1

...Except for all the Po-Hos, of course.
…Except for all the Po-Hos, of course. They’re pretty fluent in it.

In the immortal words of Depeche Mode, people are people. Even Dr. Quest screws that one up sometimes.

Next time: Still debating the merits of a review vs. a new Musical Interlude for Friday.

Next time on The Quest For Monday!: A little something for the ladies, and inclined gentlemen.

Found-Again Friday: Ginger Snaps

I know, I know. It’s a new year! you’re saying. Again with the monsters! you’re saying. You had two thirds of a post about season 1 of Picket Fences in your drafts, all good to go…I’m saying, to myself, because you people didn’t know that. But then I rewatched Canadian werewolf movie Ginger Snaps and here we are.

Why Found-Again? Several reasons, but mainly that kind of ambient noise that often brings selections to my Netflix queue: a friend mentioned they hadn’t seen Ginger Snaps, the movie was discussed on some horror-themed podcasts I’ve been listening to—and, of course, I’ve been watching an unusual number of non-vampire “monster” movies this year. I don’t think Lawrence Talbot and Wilfred Glendon would invite Ginger to their parties, though.

The Premise: Morbid, disaffected teen sisters Ginger and Brigitte despise life in their nice, normal suburban community, and not because some creature is devouring the neighborhood pets. Things take a turn for the worse when delayed puberty and a werewolf both attack Ginger at the same time. Soon she’s growing a tail, tiny sharp teeth, and a taste for boys that alienates her younger sister.

I consider myself enough of an expert on watching horror movies without seeing gore that I am literally trying to write a little book about it, but this movie is meatily disgusting and there’s no real way to avoid it. (I’m guessing the folks behind the Does The Dog Die? website would be hospitalized after seeing this, assuming they were foolhardy enough to do so in the first place.)

I’m a bit leery of movies and stories that equate werewolfism and female cycles—perhaps because it’s closer to my demographic than, say, vampires, about whom I will swallow, no pun intended, the most on-the-nose lore you can imagine.  But this equation is the central idea in Ginger Snaps, which under its constant thin layer of blood is really a movie about female roles in society: both sisters fear falling unaware into stereotypical “girly” behaviors, and Ginger’s reluctance to be cured clearly stems from her fear of being metaphorically devoured if she stops literally devouring. Their mother (a hilarious performance by Mimi Rogers), when she finds out her daughters are responsible for a classmate’s death, makes plans to blow up the house and run away with the girls because everyone will blame the murder on her parenting. You can’t win, the movie seems to say, so why not lycanthropy?

The Verdict: Mixed. I enjoy this movie now, writing and talking about it, more than I do when it seems like wading through a sea of deceased Rottweilers. I do love some of the details, though—the tail, the claws, the little teeth that no one but Brigitte seems to notice—and the idea of becoming a werewolf as a painfully slow and capricious transformation. Worth re-viewing, and one of these day I will get around to seeing the sequels.

Might go well with: Because I am still trying to use up the Christmas food, I actually ate summer sausage while I watched this. You probably shouldn’t.

Found-Again Friday: Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein

Hey, look what doesn’t have a crack in it!

FinallyDVD

I was about to make a “Who’s on first?” joke before I realized this is the…fourth, I think?… Frankenstein(‘s monster) movie I’ve watched this year. And Branagh’s version is in the queue. Now I’m just tired. (There’s also nothing like the Christmas holiday to remind me why I’m uncomfortable watching the Frankenstein monster: either I have an abnormal brain, or some of my relatives do.)

Why Found-Again? Because I am undereducated in the ways of old comedies not involving Rosalind Russell and/or Cary Grant, this is the only Abbott & Costello movie I’ve ever seen, so saying it’s my favorite is essentially meaningless.  It is true that I’ve seen it several times, though, guy with bolts in his neck be damned—and is anyone reading this really going to venture that the one with the vampire isn’t going to be my favorite when all is said and done?

The Premise: Baggage handlers Chick (Costello) and Wilbur (Abbott) are tasked with taking boxes containing Dracula and the Frankenstein monster to McDougal’s House of Horrors, but set off an insurance investigation when the monsters escape and McDougal is out two exhibits. Turns out Dracula is in league with Wilbur’s girlfriend Sandra, who is secretly a mad scientist planning to use Wilbur’s simple brain to make a user-friendly version of Frankenstein’s creation. Meanwhile, Lawrence Talbot from The Wolf Man and associated films is trying to stop the dastardly plot, but keeps turning into a werewolf at inconvenient times.

The mummy slept in, sadly.
The mummy slept in, sadly.

In a way, I was wrong when I made that remark above about old comedies: anyone who has ever seen an episode of Scooby-Doo (or, from the other direction on the timeline, silent mystery/horror/comedy Cat and the Canary) will recognize the secret-door hijinks in the old castle. The semi-animated quality of Dracula’s transformation into a bat was probably the best SFX 1948 had to offer, but it also seems fitting for what is in some ways a live-action cartoon. (The only one who doesn’t seem to be a little aware they’re living in a comedy is Lon Chaney Jr.’s Talbot, whose intensity will knock your socks off. Poor guy.)

And he sensibly starts undressing when the moon-fit is upon him. Talbot is like the anti-Wilfred Glendon in this picture.
And he sensibly starts undressing when the moon-fit is upon him. Talbot is like the anti-Wilfred Glendon in this picture.

The Verdict: This is still good fun despite the corniness, and it may be the only Dracula movie I’ve ever seen where a chair is used to fend of the vampire and doesn’t end up being used for stakes at any…um…point.

The lab is state-of-the-(dark) art.
The lab is state-of-the-(dark) art.

Demerits for the part near the end when the Frankenstein monster walks into the fire, the most unFrankenmonsterlike thing ever; this is made up for by the Vincent Price “cameo” at the end, though.

Might go well with: Party food, red punch.

As I noted in my post on Frankenstein, Universal’s opening-credits typography and design are great—for a fan of Disney’s Skeleton Dance like yours truly, even better than the “straight” movies being mocked, in fact. But whoever came up with the narration and captions for the trailer above was overdue for a date with a monster himself.

"Look deep into my eyes...and apologize for ever putting the word "Scare-ewy" on a screen."
“Look deep into my eyes…and apologize for ever putting the word “Scare-ewy” on a screen.”

 

 

Unexpected Replacement Found-Again Friday: The Critic

I’ve occasionally suspected, but am now convinced, that there’s some deranged Netflix subscriber who only returns old movies after hitting the DVDs with a mallet. So while I await a non-cracked replacement for our originally scheduled Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein, I turn to an old favorite.

Why Found-Again? Ten years ago, I watched this animated show almost constantly. I was out on my own for the first time after my separation from the Future Ex-Husband and badly in need of coping strategies; though I’ve never been sure what “watch The Critic and Tim Burton’s Sleepy Hollow daily” was supposed to accomplish in this regard, that is certainly what I did for four months straight. The Critic is probably Found-Again because I need it less than I used to, and that is probably a good thing.

The Premise: Jay Sherman (voiced by Jon Lovitz) is a snooty TV film critic and perpetual underdog. His ex-wife can’t stand to look at him. His makeup lady is against him. His adoptive family, except for his sister Margo, treats him like a second-class citizen. His boss, Ted Turner-alike magnate Duke Phillips, wants him to stop giving blockbusters bad reviews. His best friend is a beloved action-movie heartthrob. And his dating life runs the gamut from Misery to Barney the Dinosaur, which you have to admit is an unusual damn gamut.

Some of my favorite episodes:

“Marty’s First Date”—Jay’s son starts out awkward, but ends up… er, smuggling himself to Cuba in a cello case.

Not a great plan.
Not a great plan.

“Miserable”—In which Jay has even worse luck with women than his kid does.

“Dr. Jay”—Jay’s boss Duke is given four years to live and Jay decides to cure him, while having the same sort of luck Jay always has.

“All The Duke’s Men”—if only for this part:

The Verdict: Judging by the way I quote along with it, I’m still very attached to The Critic. Some of the contemporary celebrity/movie jokes the show made are a bit outdated, but surprisingly—depressingly?—few. Smart, funny, and underrated.

The episode "Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice" is also good, but these days it tends to make me sad.
The episode “Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice” is also good, but these days it tends to make me sad.

Might go well with: Eat a cheesecake. Take a nap. You never know.