Finally! Friday: Blacula

Why Finally? Like a surprising number of Hammer films* and (until last year) Universal horror pictures, 1972’s Blacula was one of those glaring gaps in my education—and this despite years of being told how good it is. A viewing was overdue, probably by decades.

The Premise: In the late 18th century, African prince Mamuwalde (the splendid William Marshall) goes on a diplomatic mission to Castle Dracula in an attempt to curb the slave trade. This goes badly, as trips to Castle Dracula tend to do, and Mamuwalde is cursed with vampirism, christened Blacula by Vlad himself, and locked in a coffin for 190 years. When the castle’s furnishings are bought by some decorators and shipped to Los Angeles, the vampire rises—and quickly finds a woman who looks just like his late wife.

Failure of diplomacy.
Negotiations aren’t going so well.

There follows a game of cat and mouse—once the police finally realize a series of exsanguination deaths deserves fuller investigation—led by a romantically partnered pair of scientists. Are they too late to defeat the forces of the undead, or will Blacula reclaim his bride?

Let’s get this out of the way: the vamp makeup in Blacula is often distracting. Some of his victims are completely green, and there’s a wide range of fangs at varying angles on display. Our titular villain gets bizarre facial hair when he vamps out: I enjoyed this, since it seems closer to the hairy-palmed Dracula that Stoker originally dreamed up, but it can be startling.

It shouldn’t detract from the story, though, which gives us an excellent antihero in Blacula. He’s been genuinely mistreated, had everything he valued taken away, and despises his own nature; it’s just not enough to stop the body count from rising, or to stop him from fighting back. And did I mention William Marshall is magnificent?

Readers, if any, know how much I enjoy tracing influences among movies/TV/books, and Blacula is a gold mine. It may be the first movie in which a vampire is haunted by the reincarnation of his lost love (though TV’s Dark Shadows seems to have done it first), an idea by now endemic to vampires generally and Dracula stories in particular. There are tiny details that were lifted almost verbatim by Love At First Bite. And there’s even an appearance by Elisha Cook (credited without his Jr.) as a hook-handed pathologist who suffers the eventual fate of most characters played by Elisha Cook.

My only problems with Blacula, apart from the terrible makeup effects, are ones I have with a number of old horror films—especially the syndrome I like to call vampnesia. (Vampnesia is, of course, a disease common to characters in horror movies in which “everybody’s heard of Count Dracula!”—at least enough to make fun of the people claiming they just saw him— but the good guys still must find an occult expert or make a trip to the local library’s folklore section in order to beat the baddie. I will never understand this.) The movie also has a case of “things spontaneously burning” reminiscent of the flammable stone mansion in The Haunted Palace, but hey, movie fire is fun.

The Verdict: All those people I mentioned above were right: Blacula is an excellent horror movie as well as an interesting cultural artifact. Even while rooting for the mortals, I was sad to see him go (is that a spoiler in a vampire movie, really?) and glad that there’s Scream Blacula Scream to bring him back.

Might go well with: rare steak, good music, anything crocheted.

 

*At least the ones not called [Something Something Something] Dracula.

 

Next time: The Quest(s) for the temple.

The Quest For Monday! Part 19: For All You Nascent Supervillains

Episode: “Treasure of the Temple”

Synopsis: An Australian-sounding adventurer tries to stop Team Quest from exploring an ancient jungle temple the looter has his sights on, even going so far as to subjugate the natives. This show not being called Guy Who Would Almost Certainly Be Played By Tim Roth In The Movie Version, though, he does not prevail.

Tip 19: Don’t trust nature to do your dirty work (a lesson some of us learned around tiger o’clock in the last episode).

Given that this episode has a talking toucan, perhaps the vulture should protest.
Given that this adventure has a talking toucan, perhaps the vulture should protest. I know the guy should.

There’s simply too much chance of someone stopping by to help—and to communicate by speaking English loudly and slowly.

Eh, he means well this time.
Eh, he means well this time.

Just don’t risk it. I mean, what if your victim and his rescuer can actually understand each other? Total disaster.

Next time: Finally! Friday meets Blacula.

Next time on TQfM!: More Scooby-Dooing among the pyramids.

Found-Again Friday: The Hardy Boys Detective Handbook, Chapter 2

Why Found-Again? Because I was sure as a kid that I had the detection “right stuff”—and by that I mostly mean a magnifying glass. For the fingerprinting chapter, “The Clue of the Cashbox,” we can add Johnson’s Baby Powder, Scotch tape and a paintbrush to the list.

Our book, posing with three things that have jack-all to do with fingerprinting.
Our book, posing with three things that have jack-all to do with fingerprinting.

The Premise: With the town’s fingerprint specialists out of commission, Frank and Joe get pressed into service when a doctor’s office is burglarized. How small is this police department, anyway?

I mentioned last time that The Hardy Boys Detective Handbook was written in collaboration with retired law enforcement, and this chapter clearly leans heavily on the consultant. Frank and Joe spend no fewer than seven pages explaining to their hapless pal Chet how fingerprinting works, in excruciating detail and with frequent reference to “persons” as though the Hardys just arrived from narrating Dragnet—and all before we even get to the crime scene. From there, it’s a ratio of five lines of story to 15 lines of technical information and everything you ever wanted to know about collecting and comparing fingerprints, analog-style.

I can find no evidence that skin oils and sweat are the same thing. I think Joe is, as the British say, telling porkies here.
I can find no evidence that skin oils and sweat are the same thing. I think Joe is, as the British say, telling porkies here.
Fingerprinting must be even more important in a town where everyone has the same hairstyle...
Fingerprinting must be even more important in a town where everyone has the same hairstyle…

The Verdict: Mixed, but mostly positive. As a story, “The Clue of the Cashbox” is abysmal; the first chapter did a much better job of integrating knowledge into a real narrative, and the solution to this “mystery” turns out to be a nephew ex machina anyway. My childhood self, who bought the book for the technical information in the first place, ate this section up—and though the techniques are dated, it remains a fascinating little glimpse into ’70s forensic science. Just try not to imagine poor Chet going into a boredom coma in the first half and let the dusting techniques wash over you.

Random Notes:

  • I did, in fact, attempt to raise and lift fingerprints with baby powder and Scotch tape when I was a wee thing. My parents had a Formica-topped wooden coffee table that may have been the only surface capable of responding to this treatment. I taped the results to construction paper. Ah, youth.
  • Here is a neat forensic science website I found while researching whether finger oils and sweat are the same.

 

 

Next time: How lost can a city be if Benton Quest can find it?

 

The Quest For Monday! Part 18: The Wages of Sin

(Episode: “Treasure of the Temple”)

Synopsis: An Australian-sounding adventurer tries to stop Team Quest from exploring an ancient jungle temple the looter has his sights on, even going so far as to subjugate the natives. This show not being called Guy Who Would Almost Certainly Be Played By Tim Roth In The Movie Version, though, he does not prevail.

Tip 18. Villainy doesn’t pay.

Oh, sure, sometime evil looks gorgeous attractive. And I’m sure organizing an attack on your rivals has its pleasures.

Even if it's only the fun of watching them dodge blowgun darts.
Even if it’s only the fun of watching them dodge blowgun darts.

But all that scheming is bound to take a toll.

This guy was probably a grad student when he started in villainy six months ago.
This guy was probably a grad student when he started in villainy six months ago. His nickname used to be “Bruiser.”

Better to stick to the good, get enough sleep, and always wear sunscreen.

 

(Bonus shot! While all this is going on, Dr. Quest still says things like this in the jungle:

BQPleaseStopTalking
Even Race is looking at him like “Really, Benton?”

You know, Doc, it’s okay to just be quiet.)

 

Next time: The fingerprints chapter of the Hardy Boys Handbook. We’ll give it a whorl!

Next time on TQfM!: More bungle in the jungle.

 

Found-Again Friday: Miller’s Crossing

With the newest Coen brothers film, Hail, Caesar!, in theaters, the whole internet seems to be ranking their movies—no two lists agreeing on anything, as far as I can tell. Once I realized I was reading those lists looking for Miller’s Crossing, this week’s re-viewing chose itself.

Why Found-Again?: Miller’s Crossing is my favorite movie from the Coens by far, but since it demands my full attention, it doesn’t get rewatched like those movies I can both love and do paperwork with.

The Premise: Pity poor Tom (Gabriel Byrne): his boss Leo is being crowded by a rival crime mob. He’s got the kind of gambling debts that get the attention of leg-breakers. He’s sleeping with his boss’s girlfriend. And he’s the one tasked with saving her con-man brother (John Turturro), who’s in over his head and about to earn a trip to Miller’s Crossing—easily the most beautiful spot for an execution in all of cinema. Tom’s only chance to survive may be to betray everything he loves.

In addition to the just-plain-fun of a crime story and the interpersonal twists—pretty much everyone mentioned above takes a swing at Tom in the course of the movie— Miller’s Crossing is a study in conflicting loyalties, obligations, and brains vs. brawn. To me, though, this is a love story at its most platonic, with Leo and Tom almost a modern take on King Arthur and Lancelot in a corrupt Camelot where the mayor and police chief are sold to the highest bidder… and all done in language that is 80% 1930s gangster flick and 20% poetry.

This is probably the prettiest movie I have ever owned on DVD. (It’s certainly the prettiest American one; Amelie is the only other contender that leaps to mind.) Exhibit A:

Exhibit B: Gabriel Byrne. Yowza.
Exhibit B: Gabriel Byrne. Yowza.

The Verdict: This may also be as close to a perfect movie as I own: a gorgeous, well-constructed film with the atmosphere of  a long-forgotten golden-age noir that never seems to be cribbing or parodying its inspirations. Indeed, the only thing wrong with Miller’s Crossing is its tendency to make viewers say “What’s the rumpus?” as a casual greeting for days after viewing. It’s a fantastic film that, if my reading is any indication, is undervalued by the entire internet.

Might go well with: Pasta, whiskey, a Chieftains CD, Oscar.

Next time: Into the jungle with Jonny Quest, who is absolutely the person you want rooting around old temples.

 

The Quest For Monday! Part 17: Man’s Best Friend

(Episode: “The Riddle of the Gold”)

Synopsis: Supervillain Dr. Zin wants to disrupt the world’s gold markets. This involves murder, a kidnapped scientist who can do quasi-alchemy, a henchman disguised as a maharajah, and some extremely irate big cats. I don’t think Zin has an efficiency expert on staff.

Tip 17: Don’t underestimate the little guy.

Bandit, literally putting his butt on the (gunpowder) line.
Bandit, literally putting his butt on the (gunpowder) line.

He might just save your ass.

On the other hand, don’t underestimate the leopard whose master you killed, either.

Sort of a cross between Scooby-Doo and a combine harvester.
Sort of a cross between Scooby-Doo and a combine harvester.

 

Just try not to underestimate in general, campers. It’s healthier.

Next time: Trying to decide between two movies with Irishmen and weapons, and it’s not even March yet.

Next time on TQfM!: “Treasure of the Temple.” More jungle. More silliness. Uh-oh.

 

 

Found-Again Friday: The Hardy Boys Detective Handbook Chapter 1: Undercover Work

This one’s going to be a multi-parter every other week until it’s all done.

Why Found-Again: When I finally saved up enough allowance to buy this, sometime around 1983 or ’84, it immediately became my bible.

Not the one I had back in my youth. You can tell by the lack of Cup-O-Noodle stains.
Not the copy I had in my youth. You can tell by the lack of Cup-O-Noodle stains.

Readers of this site have no doubt noticed I can be insufferable about things I’m interested in—why, yes, I am still yelling at the end of Highlander whenever I watch it as though expecting a different result, how did you know?—and one thing I have always been interested in is a detective story. My parents, who I have to assume thought they were getting one of those kids who would tell them what happened at school that day, suddenly found themselves saddled with a would-be miniature Magnum, P.I. blathering on about various kinds of surveillance while not eating her vegetables.

Mysteriously, regaling my family with the details of detective work in no way caused Dad to hurry up and build that network of Three-Investigator-style hidden offices I wanted. Maybe I should have picked up How To Win Friends And Influence People first?

The Premise (Entire Book): Written in conjunction with a retired FBI agent, this book uses fictional teen detectives Frank and Joe Hardy in various scenarios to teach young readers sleuthing skills. (I have the revised 1972 edition.) It essentially works out as  half guidebook, half story collection.

The Premise (Chapter 1—Undercover Work): When a plastics factory suffers a series of thefts, the owner enlists the help of the Hardy Boys’ father, who sends Frank and Joe undercover as delinquents in need of jobs.

They do kind of look the part.
They do kind of look the part.

The boys manage to infiltrate the group responsible for the thefts, only to be inadvertently ratted out by the factory owner, who obviously should’ve been in the briefing pictured above.

The Verdict: Above all, I remember this book as being hilariously dated, even at the time I was first reading it. This chapter was less Starsky & Hutch than Dragnet, though, heavy on common sense and following procedures. There were, however,  a few odd moments:

Even without taking this willfully out of context, Frank Hardy really looks like he's up to no good.
Even without taking this willfully out of context, Frank Hardy really looks like he’s up to no good. I think it’s the sideburns.
Typewriter banter among thieves! What has the march of progress cost us?
Typewriter banter among thieves! What has the march of progress cost us?

Not bad at all so far.

 

Next time: Jonny Quest eludes yet another attempt to destroy his globetrotting family. Doesn’t narrow it down much, does it?

 

The Quest For Monday! Part 16: The Case For Hope

(Episode: “The Riddle of the Gold”)

Synopsis: Supervillain Dr. Zin wants to disrupt the world’s gold markets. This involves murder, a kidnapped scientist who can do quasi-alchemy, a henchman disguised as a maharajah, and some extremely irate big cats. I don’t think Zin has an efficiency expert on staff.

Tip 16. Courage! There is often a light at the end of the tunnel.

See?
See?

…Of course, sometimes that light is coming from a secret science lab.

The cutting edge of...1663?
The cutting edge of modern…I don’t even know.
Maybe this is Dr. Pretorius from Bride of Frankenstein and Bandit used to be a mastiff.
Maybe this is Dr. Pretorius from Bride of Frankenstein and Bandit used to be a mastiff.

You know what they say: where there’s bubbling alembics, there’s hope.

Next time: I screw up my courage and start taking a look at one of my childhood favorite books.

Next time on TQfM!: Size doesn’t matter.

Finally! Friday: Brief Explanation + The Streets of San Francisco, Season 1

Welcome to Finally! Friday, an occasional feature to break up the (loooooong) list of things I need to revisit for Found-Again Fridays. Inspired last year when I watched Flashdance only 30 years after I first meant to, I’ll be writing about stuff you… and sometimes I… can’t believe I never watched/read before—and for this week, it’s 1970s crime drama The Streets of San Francisco.

Why Finally?  It’s a police drama with a young Michael Douglas in it. If you had any idea how much Law & Order I’ve seen, or how many times I’ve watched Romancing the Stone, you too would be flabbergasted.

…by my not having seen Streets, that is.

The Premise: San Francisco homicide detectives Mike Stone (Karl Malden, who to a demographic including me will forever be “the guy from the American Express ads”) and Steve Keller (Michael Douglas) solve a variety of crimes, from armed robberies gone wrong to apparent political assassinations.

It’s the classic buddy-cop formula: Keller is a bit more the charge-ahead man of action, while the older Stone is craftier (and has an uncanny ability to talk crazed killers into giving themselves up). Still, neither is a slouch in any department, and most of the fun lies in watching them work together to find the killer. And like some of the shows that followed it—Simon & Simon and Magnum, P.I. come to mind—the city itself becomes a kind of supporting character in Streets of San Francisco.

As does Douglas's hair. Look at that—it's a force of nature! Or a force against nature. It's definitely a force, at any rate.
As does Douglas’s hair. Look at that—it’s a force of nature! Or a force against nature. It’s definitely a force, at any rate.

The Verdict: If you are the sort of person who watches Dragnet ’67 for the funky clothes and slang, you’ll love this show. If you like cop shows, you’ll like this show. If your hobby is spotting character actors, you’re going to yell “Vic Tayback!!” a lot. (You’ll also see David Soul as a man hiding his ethnic background and David “Ellery Queen’s dad” Wayne as a newspaper seller.) And if you’ve ever seen Police Squad!, you’re about to find out why they did that title-card gag. Tremendous fun, just dated enough to be interesting rather than absurd.

Might go well with:  Seafood, Dragnet, and to the surprise of no one, Romancing the Stone.  You have to admit that hair is incredible.

Next time: Benton Quest vs. Blofeld Zin.

 

 

 

The Quest For Monday! Part 15: The Hunt Is On

(Episode: “The Riddle of the Gold”)

Synopsis: Supervillain Dr. Zin wants to disrupt the world’s gold markets. This involves murder, a kidnapped scientist who can do quasi-alchemy, a henchman disguised as a maharajah, and some extremely irate big cats. I don’t think Zin has an efficiency expert on staff.

Tip 15: Beware reversals of fortune.

Someone* once said that man is the most dangerous game.

"You're kidding, right?"
“You’re kidding, right?”

Even so, Dr. Quest’s spy mission to India proves the contest for first runner-up is what you might call fierce.

BQNot GoingToEatDoctorQuest

(Fun art thing to do: compare the screenshot below to Hokusai’s Happy Tiger in the Snow.)

"Grumpy Tiger In An Eccentric Cartoon"
“Grumpy Tiger In An Eccentric Cartoon”

In conclusion, tigers: love them, avoid them.

 

*The fellow who wrote the story of that name was Richard Connell. No idea why I have to look up that information every time I need it, yet can remember enough old musical instruments to make  Hangman opponents want to take it live-action.

 

Next time: Yet to be determined.

Next time on tQfM!: More spying, less, um, tigering.