Synopsis: A strange aircraft that lands near Dr. Quest’s lab isn’t an X-File—just Dr. Zin’s latest scheme. The craft contains a spidery robot that can stun people, spy on them, and (Zin hopes) steal an invention intended to harmlessly disarm people. In my opinion, that’s the kind of thing you want supervillains to have, but hey, it’s not my story.
Today’s tip is something I routinely yell at my television screen because I watch a lot of action movies… and horror movies… and action-horror movies:
Tip 35: DUCK!
Of course, it’s probably easier to duck when you know Dr. Quest has hauled the mysterious robot into a storeroom…The rest of the adventure suggests this guy’s just stunned, but I remember watching this as a kid and thinking he was getting his brain sucked.
Ducking is one of the most valuable skills you can learn, whether you’re facing down a robot spy or a monster or an ennui-filled immortal guy with a sword. Trust me on this.
Next time: Possibly a horror movie. Yay!
Next time on TQfM!: It’s a multitool! And I’m not even referring to Dr. Quest!
Synopsis: A strange aircraft that lands near Dr. Quest’s lab isn’t an X-File—just Dr. Zin’s latest scheme. The craft contains a spidery robot that can stun people, spy on them, and (Zin hopes) steal an invention intended to harmlessly disarm people. In my opinion, that’s the kind of thing you want supervillains to have, but hey, it’s not my story.
This week we’re going to be a little more lit-crit than usual and point out that…
Tip 34: Sometimes it’s what isn’t said that is most interesting.
A spy-spider emerges from a UFO. Another one of those Quest family Wednesdays…
Here’s exhibit A. Whether deliberately or for ease of use, evil Dr. Zin has made his robot in the shape of one of the most common objects of phobia: a spider. We know at least one member of Team Quest has a little problem with those, yet no one really mentions it as this big guy scuttles around doing his dirty work. I think that’s a shame.
Speaking of things nobody discusses directly, Hadji continues to have powers beyond the ken of mortal man.
Next time: For the first time in a long time, I genuinely have no idea.
Synopsis: When a strange aircraft lands near Dr. Quest’s lab, it’s not an X-File—just Dr. Zin’s latest scheme. The craft contains a spidery robot that can stun people, spy on them, and (Zin hopes) steal an invention intended to harmlessly disarm people. In my opinion, that’s the kind of thing you want supervillains to have instead of the engines of destruction they so often do, but hey, it’s not my story.
Tip 33: With perseverance, you can achieve your goals.
A lab with your name on it is a sure sign that you have Arrived. More cynically, what do you want to bet this is supposed to be a secret installation?
This episode also gives us the unofficial motto of Jonny Quest:
“…and then we’ll probably shoot it.”
Next time: I’ve put it off as long as I can, but this week I combine two of my reluctant interests and watch Kenneth Branagh’s Frankenstein.
Next time on TQfM!: We see the robot spy—and it probably sees us right back.
Synopsis: It’s Hadji’s origin story! The awesome orphan meets the Quests for the first time and helps foil a plot to manufacture nerve gas. Also on the scene is Hadji’s friend, the greedy Pasha Peddler, who has a knack for making timely rescues profitable—in theory, anyway.
So you’ve foiled the bad guys in a splashy way that, in another time and place, would become an environmental disaster of impressive proportions, then buried the whole shebang under an avalanche:
Those red waves are from Dr. Quest’s sonic weapon. Remember that from the start of the episode? I almost didn’t either.
Tip 32: Even if you can’t pay the whole bill, at least throw the guy a bone.
I know Pasha Peddler is annoying, but I’m guessing helicopter fuel ain’t cheap.
Don’t be a jerk, even if your favorite multitalented scientist is.
Next time: We finish up with the Hardy Boys.
Next time on TQfM!: Next episode! “The Robot Spy.”
Synopsis: It’s Hadji’s origin story! The awesome orphan meets the Quests for the first time and helps foil a plot to manufacture nerve gas. Also on the scene is Hadji’s friend, the greedy Pasha Peddler, who has a knack for making timely rescues profitable. Also known as “The One That Made J.A. Type The Words ‘Nerve-Gas Factory’ A Thousand Times.”
You can’t always choose your own escapes from trouble, but in general:
Tip 31: Things not to do around chemical weapons.
Uh, Race, see those hazmat suits everyone has but you?In general, try not to hang around…especially, you’d think it would go without saying, over BUBBLING VATS OF NERVE GAS.Oof!
And one that maybe you should if you get the chance…
Just don’t hit the vats, okay?
Next time: In keeping with the inherent dignity of Our Cynical Omelet, a humorous musical interlude. I thought so, anyway.
Next time on TQFM!: We should be wrapping this up.
Why Found-Again? My mother sold the family home last year, and I finally had to deal with the last thing I had left there: call it The Big Box Of J.A.’s Late Adolescence.
When I finally went though it—through the college papers and the really long satiric poems (mine) and the souvenir pom-pom from a 1991 ODU/Penn State basketball game I attended, among other odd treasures—I found neatly trimmed and stapled Soap Opera Digest recaps of every episode of what was then referred to as “the new Dark Shadows.”
Suddenly I was reminded of the weirdness of being a 17-year-old American kid with an absolutely scorching crush on Ben Cross. I suppose the answer to “Why Found-Again” might be “dignity”?
What can I say? I have good taste—and that isn’t even a vampire joke.
The Premise: In the little village of Collinsport, Maine (of course it’s Maine), a down-on-his-luck handyman decides to rob the Collins family crypt and accidentally frees 200-year-old vampire Barnabas. Barnabas and his new Eurotrash wardrobe—seems there really was some gold in that crypt—pose as part of the British branch of the wealthy Collins family and are welcomed with open arms.
When the vampire meets Victoria Winters, a governess who… surprise!… looks exactly like his long-lost fiancée, the stage is set for a story of loss, anguish, revenge, witchcraft, and time travel. Shortly after the doctor who was trying to cure Barnabas turns on him…
The doctor is played by horror icon Barbara Steele; if Barnabas had seen any old movies, he’d know to tread lightly.
…Victoria finds herself thrust into the 18th century, embroiled in the Collins family troubles that led to Barnabas’s vampirism. (From what I’ve heard, this throw-in-all-the-paranormal-stuff-and-see-what-sticks approach is very much in the spirit of the original series. There’s always something happening in Collinsport!)
The Dark Shadows revival has a certain thematic similarity to Highlander in that we have a protagonist who would like to end his inner turmoil and become a nice, normal, incredibly wealthy mortal guy—which in this case would deprive the audience of Ben Cross roaring with fangs bared, so I’m completely against it.
The other similarity to Highlander: Adrian Paul. Zombie Adrian Paul. Is this a great show or what?
The Verdict: During its original run, I loved this show so much I named my hamster Josette after Barnabas’s long-lost love. While I still enjoyed re-viewing, I must admit it no longer elicits quite that level of enthusiasm. If you are the sort of person who feels self-conscious watching something over the top, the ’90s Dark Shadows is certainly to be avoided (of course, you also won’t be reading this, since you will have perished from self-combustion somewhere around my eighth Highlander post). On the other hand, there are only twelve episodes, and it hits the comforting staples (also not a vampire joke) of everything I thought horror was as a young child.
And speaking of young children, take a look at the cast member who turned out the be the breakout movie star:
Might go well with: A black shirt, candlelight, anything Christopher Lee ever appeared in, a decent port.
Synopsis: It’s Hadji’s origin story! The awesome orphan meets the Quests for the first time and helps foil a plot to manufacture nerve gas. Also on the scene is Hadji’s friend, the greedy Pasha Peddler, who has a knack for making timely rescues profitable.
Tip 29: Sometimes, you get what you pay for.
Pasha Peddler. I bet Talk Like A Pirate Day is very big on that chopper.
…if that.
Spoiler alert: The Quests get a discount. Now I’d like another origin story about how poor Hadji ever met this guy.
Next time: I manage to watch something gothic that doesn’t start with the syllable “Frank.”
Synopsis: It’s Hadji’s origin story! The awesome orphan meets the Quests for the first time and helps foil a plot to manufacture nerve gas. Also on the scene is Hadji’s friend, the greedy Pasha Peddler, who has a knack for making timely rescues profitable.
Tip 28: Sometimes you just need to slow down…
And we all thought Race only had one gear…cleverly encoded in his name.
…and one of those times is when you are being chased by an airplane.
(Yes, this does add yet another fatality to whatever the Jonny Quest death rolls are by now. Low double digits, I think.)
Synopsis: It’s Hadji’s origin story! The awesome orphan meets the Quests for the first time and helps foil a plot to manufacture nerve gas. Also on the scene is Hadji’s friend, the greedy Pasha Peddler, who has a knack for making timely rescues profitable.
Tip 27: Safety is more important than etiquette.
Eavesdropping is wrong; eavesdropping on the people trying to kill you might, however, be necessary.
If you’re wondering why Dr. Quest is letting this happen when he knows about it for once, so am I.
Astute campers will notice that Jonny is helped by a version of the legendary Indian rope trick. Alas, the mind-blowing knowledge that this not only is real but can be done by a ten-year-old boy is of as much interest to scientist Benton Quest as that mummy from a while back.
You’d think “Rope Trick” and “Cobra Charm” would require different tunes, but they do not. The more you know™…
Special bonus screenshot: Dr. Quest forgets all kinds of Indian history.
Synopsis: It’s Hadji’s origin story! The awesome orphan meets the Quests for the first time and helps foil a plot to manufacture nerve gas. Also on the scene is Hadji’s friend, the greedy Pasha Peddler, who has a knack for making timely rescues profitable.
Tip 26: Like the old saying goes, necessity is the mother of invention.
It’s a basket lid AND a shield!
…which is good if, like Dr. Quest, you seem to be the mother of multiple assassination attempts.
A typical Quest family Wednesday.
Next time: We get reunited with the Hardy Boys on Friday.
