Tag: TV

The Quest For Monday! Part 25: (Model) Apocalypse Now

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(Episode: “Calcutta Adventure”)

Synopsis: It’s Hadji’s origin story! The awesome orphan meets the Quests for the first time and helps foil a plot to manufacture nerve gas. Also on the scene is Hadji’s friend, the greedy Pasha Peddler, who has a knack for making timely rescues profitable.

Tip 25: Always lead with the bad news.

Dr. Quest is in Calcutta for a presentation on sound waves, which he kicks off by destroying [a scale model of] New York.

The tough part is getting through the demo without saying "BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
The tough part is getting through the demo without saying “BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!”

The good news about sound waves, of course, is that porpoises can talk to each other.

The last time I was really excited about whale language acquisition was right around the first time I watched Jonny Quest, so this tracks.
The last time I was really excited about whale language acquisition was right around the first time I watched Jonny Quest, so this tracks.

 

Next time: Undecided for Friday. Will it be Barton Fink, or do I dare write up another Frankenstein adaptation?

Next time on TQfM! Jonny tackles making a new friend. Yes, that’s a pun.

The Quest For Monday! Part 24: As We Make Our Escape…

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(Episode: “Treasure of the Temple” —Last time! Really!)

Synopsis: An Australian-sounding adventurer tries to stop Team Quest from exploring an ancient jungle temple the looter has his sights on, even going so far as to subjugate the natives. This show not being called Guy Who Would Almost Certainly Be Played By Tim Roth In The Movie Version, though, he does not prevail. Additionally, nature tries its damnedest to murder Race Bannon.

Tip 24. I can guarantee this one is actual good advice.

Even if you know the terrain, even if your escape is nearly a foregone conclusion…

Watch out for spiders.

According to Dr. Quest, this is from "a cave spider...deadly poisonous!" A few minutes on the internet strongly suggest that the eminent scientist is fibbing again.
According to Dr. Quest, this is from “a cave spider…deadly poisonous!” A few minutes on the internet strongly suggest that the eminent scientist is fibbing again, probably because he shot the darned thing.

And for those of you wondering what became of our villain…crocodiles, that’s what.

'Nuff said.
‘Nuff said.

And if that wasn’t enough of a happy ending, Benton Quest learns to modulate his voice. Aww.

 

Next time: The Hardy Boys teach you how to observe in the handbook’s darkest chapter yet.

Next time on TQfM!: We’ll be tagging along for “Calcutta Adventure.”

Apropos Of Nothing: Tearjerkers

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Recently, on the strength of the news of Alan Rickman’s death, I attempted something I hadn’t done for years and started watching Truly Madly Deeply. I used to own it, but that was a few broken relationships and one or two deaths ago, so this time I had to stop after 25 minutes because my nose was completely blocked and the tears were starting to soak my shirt collar.

Most of the time, I know better.

I dislike saying it, because it makes me feel shallow, but I hate depressing movies. Part of this is just the way I’m made, I suspect, and the other part is the perception that a lot of these tearjerkers are “women’s movies”—or worse, “date movies”—and so people think I will enjoy them. I vividly remember watching some complete painfests with my high-school sweetheart as a result of this idea: I’d pick comedies (Splitting Heirs was bad, but not so bad I cried about it), and he’d pick things like Steel Magnolias and the Stella Dallas remake with Bette Middler. By the time I realized he was watching the big-screen equivalent of Lifetime movies for my sake, we’d already broken up, and I’ve made sure to be clearer about my preferences since then.

That said, there are a few things I like even though they cause me to wail like the very cranky baby Mom assures me I was. Some highlights:

  • “They’re Tearing Down Tim Riley’s Bar,” an episode of Night Gallery about a man whose life is unraveling between his wife’s sudden death and the machinations of a business rival.
  • The part right before the end of The Last Unicorn. The part right before the end of Young Sherlock Holmes. The part right before the end of The Secret of NIMH. Kids’ movies reserve the right to stomp on your heart, but will generally dust it off and return what’s left of it in the last ten minutes.
  • The end of Hellboy. That’s when I try to explain to anyone else watching that it’s one of the most romantic movies ever. Even though that should be self-evident.

Readers (if any), what about you? Tearjerkers? Nonstandard tearjerkers? Outright refusal? If anyone has a rousing defense of the Stella movie, I’d especially like to hear that.

The Quest For Monday! (On Tuesday), Part 23: Water Safety

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(Episode: “Treasure of the Temple”)

Synopsis: An Australian-sounding adventurer tries to stop Team Quest from exploring an ancient jungle temple the looter has his sights on, even going so far as to subjugate the natives. This show not being called Guy Who Would Almost Certainly Be Played By Tim Roth In The Movie Version, though, he does not prevail. And in a sort of side feature, a series of animals attempt to eat Race Bannon.

Team Quest has been rescued from their captors by the non-slow-loud-English-speaking fellow they rescued earlier, but escape lies over treacherous waters.

BQCrocodileRock

Tip 23: Row, row, row your boat…and for heaven’s sake, try not to get involved in this kind of thing.

Race is pretty good against big animals. Maybe this is how he made his living before he joined the Special Forces?
Race is pretty good against big animals. Maybe this is how he made his living before he joined the Special Forces?
At any rate, this is definitely how he made his living after that.
At any rate, this is definitely how he made his living after that.

Not an inflatable vest in sight. Shameful.

 

Next time: With any luck, I’ll be returning to the crypt with Scream Blacula Scream.

Next time on TQfM!: Believe it or not, the end of this episode. I blame those…vampire bats.

The Quest For Monday! Part 22: …And It’s On

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(Episode: “Treasure of the Temple”)

Synopsis: An Australian-sounding adventurer tries to stop Team Quest from exploring an ancient jungle temple the looter has his sights on, even going so far as to subjugate the natives. This show not being called Guy Who Would Almost Certainly Be Played By Tim Roth In The Movie Version, though, he does not prevail.

Tip 22: You’re stronger together.

When confrontation rears its head, cooperation shouldn’t be far behind.

BQConfronted

The weird thing is, I have boots like that.
The weird thing is, I also have boots like that.
"This belongs in a museu—oh, who am I kidding?"
“This belongs in a museu—oh, who am I kidding?”

Even so, it’s always going to be a problem when you bring a priceless ceremonial artifact to a gunfight.

BQGunpoint-1

Better luck next time.

 

Next time: The Hardy Boys learn about safecracking and how to want a man—as in those pictures in the post office, I mean.

Next time on TQfM!: Boat chase!

The Quest For Monday! Part 21: O Fortuna

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(Episode: “Treasure of the Temple”)

Synopsis: An Australian-sounding adventurer tries to stop Team Quest from exploring an ancient jungle temple the looter has his sights on, even going so far as to subjugate the natives. This show not being called Guy Who Would Almost Certainly Be Played By Tim Roth In The Movie Version, though, he does not prevail.

Tip 21: Fortune favors…

No matter how many tips I give you campers on how to survive out here, there’s often no substitute…

 

"Hey, Hadji, why do you think they call it The Ledge of the Secret Room?"
“Hey, Hadji, why do you think they call it The Ledge of the Secret Room?”

…for pure dumb luck.

I have to admit, that's a pretty neat jaguar statue.
I have to admit, that’s a pretty neat jaguar statue near the middle.

Next time: Our Cynical Omelet will have a Musical Interlude for St. Patrick’s Day. I found something, um, incredible.

Next time on TQfM! Fight! Fight! Fight!

The Quest For Monday! Part 20: The Children Of The Night, And Also Race Bannon

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(Episode: “Treasure of the Temple”)

Synopsis: An Australian-sounding adventurer tries to stop Team Quest from exploring an ancient jungle temple the looter has his sights on, even going so far as to subjugate the natives. This show not being called Guy Who Would Almost Certainly Be Played By Tim Roth In The Movie Version, though, he does not prevail.

Tip 20: Some genuine nature knowledge for once.

Yes, there are bats in areas like the one where the Quests are camping out, and yes, some do depend on mammal blood.

I can't help feeling these guys must be pretty hard up. They don't like staked-out defectors?
I can’t help feeling these guys must be pretty hard up. They don’t like staked-out defectors?

 

This guy doesn't even run from crocodiles.
And since when is Race Bannon a mammal? The guy doesn’t even run from crocodiles.

What Race probably doesn’t know is that the risk of rabies from bat bites is in fact fairly low, even if…

Dun dun DUN!!
Dun dun DUN!!

(And because I get annoyed when people, even cartoon people, think bats are ugly, I’d like to plug Bat World Sanctuary, a real-world shelter in Texas. I try to adopt a bat every year, and if you look at the pictures, you’ll see that—as often seems to be the case when he sets foot in a jungle—Dr. Quest is full of guano about this. Those things are adorable.)

 

Next time: Don’t tread on the Hardy Boys. They know how to take footprint casts!

Next time on TQfM!: We’ll get closer to the point, I promise.

 

 

 

The Quest For Monday! Part 18: The Wages of Sin

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(Episode: “Treasure of the Temple”)

Synopsis: An Australian-sounding adventurer tries to stop Team Quest from exploring an ancient jungle temple the looter has his sights on, even going so far as to subjugate the natives. This show not being called Guy Who Would Almost Certainly Be Played By Tim Roth In The Movie Version, though, he does not prevail.

Tip 18. Villainy doesn’t pay.

Oh, sure, sometime evil looks gorgeous attractive. And I’m sure organizing an attack on your rivals has its pleasures.

Even if it's only the fun of watching them dodge blowgun darts.
Even if it’s only the fun of watching them dodge blowgun darts.

But all that scheming is bound to take a toll.

This guy was probably a grad student when he started in villainy six months ago.
This guy was probably a grad student when he started in villainy six months ago. His nickname used to be “Bruiser.”

Better to stick to the good, get enough sleep, and always wear sunscreen.

 

(Bonus shot! While all this is going on, Dr. Quest still says things like this in the jungle:

BQPleaseStopTalking
Even Race is looking at him like “Really, Benton?”

You know, Doc, it’s okay to just be quiet.)

 

Next time: The fingerprints chapter of the Hardy Boys Handbook. We’ll give it a whorl!

Next time on TQfM!: More bungle in the jungle.

 

The Quest For Monday! Part 17: Man’s Best Friend

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(Episode: “The Riddle of the Gold”)

Synopsis: Supervillain Dr. Zin wants to disrupt the world’s gold markets. This involves murder, a kidnapped scientist who can do quasi-alchemy, a henchman disguised as a maharajah, and some extremely irate big cats. I don’t think Zin has an efficiency expert on staff.

Tip 17: Don’t underestimate the little guy.

Bandit, literally putting his butt on the (gunpowder) line.
Bandit, literally putting his butt on the (gunpowder) line.

He might just save your ass.

On the other hand, don’t underestimate the leopard whose master you killed, either.

Sort of a cross between Scooby-Doo and a combine harvester.
Sort of a cross between Scooby-Doo and a combine harvester.

 

Just try not to underestimate in general, campers. It’s healthier.

Next time: Trying to decide between two movies with Irishmen and weapons, and it’s not even March yet.

Next time on TQfM!: “Treasure of the Temple.” More jungle. More silliness. Uh-oh.

 

 

The Quest For Monday! Part 16: The Case For Hope

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(Episode: “The Riddle of the Gold”)

Synopsis: Supervillain Dr. Zin wants to disrupt the world’s gold markets. This involves murder, a kidnapped scientist who can do quasi-alchemy, a henchman disguised as a maharajah, and some extremely irate big cats. I don’t think Zin has an efficiency expert on staff.

Tip 16. Courage! There is often a light at the end of the tunnel.

See?
See?

…Of course, sometimes that light is coming from a secret science lab.

The cutting edge of...1663?
The cutting edge of modern…I don’t even know.
Maybe this is Dr. Pretorius from Bride of Frankenstein and Bandit used to be a mastiff.
Maybe this is Dr. Pretorius from Bride of Frankenstein and Bandit used to be a mastiff.

You know what they say: where there’s bubbling alembics, there’s hope.

Next time: I screw up my courage and start taking a look at one of my childhood favorite books.

Next time on TQfM!: Size doesn’t matter.